Confessions - Part Two

Well, here is Part Two of My Life and Welcome To It.

If you have not read Part One, I would suggest that you might want to read that one before reading this. Just sayin', is all...

(Trying to concentrate here - I am on my lunch break and the guy in the next cube is chattering away... I try to act disinterested and he keeps talking.to.me. Arrggghhhhhhh....)

I guess that the passing-out-and-then-detoxing incident was my first exposure to the fact that Greg was an alcholic. However, he never let it interfere with his job or his usual day-to-day performance. After detoxing, he went immediately to (I drove him and sat in on this) his first AA meeting. As expected, it was difficult for him to stand and say the expected words, "I'm Greg and I'm an alcholic." He was shaking, actually physically shaking, because of what his body had just been through. After that meeting, one of his most difficult things was trying to find an AA meeting with those in similar circumstances. You know, white collar guys and gals. The initial meeting had some folks in there who did NOT toe "the party line". AA-ers are supposed to respect whatever and however you got to these meetings. But I remember him talking about a guy who did not react positively to anyone who came through other programs. The guy was a real hard-ass, plain and simple - no other way to put it.

After he de-toxed, I cleared all the liquor out of the house. Took the liquers over to the house of a couple that we knew (and who worked with Greg), and don't remember what I did with the rest of the hard stuff. I guess if it was open and didn't have much left in the bottle, I poured it down the drain.

With the direction of this same couple, I had a few sessions with a psychologist who they knew. I was feeling very angry and HAD to talk with someone. I liked a glass of wine to relax with, and I felt that Greg had removed this option from me. When I expressed this to her, she said, "I give you permission to have a glass of wine." Now, isn't that silly? and yet, for some damned reason, I guess I felt that someone HAD to give me permission. I could only go to her for a few sessions (insurance limitations), but the sessions were amazingly helpful.

I think it was shortly after this that Greg had his gallbladder removed. During a routine physical, gallstones showed up on an xray or during an MRI or something. His doctor quizzed him as to whether there were any patterns of gallbladder trouble in his family, and Greg related the facts of his mother dying of cancer that had apparently started in her gallbladder. That was enough for the doc! He scheduled Greg for laparoscopic surgery, and I sat patiently in the waiting area. It seemed to take much longer than they had told me (I guess that is always the way). When the doctor came out, he ushered me into one of those closed-door rooms where they don't give you good news. He explained that significant cirrhosis was detected on Greg's liver and so they did further checking. That revealed hepatitis C. I explained that he had recently stopped drinking - the doc agreed that given this diagnosis, this was a good thing - and I did not know the source of the hep C.

Another wall to climb.

(OMG - he's back standing in my cube and talking directly to me. And I did not ask or invite him over here. Oh thank God - he put on his sportcoat and had to leave - YAY!)

So now we added another doc to his specialists - a very good and supportive gastroenterologist, Dr. G. He worked very hard with Greg, getting him into at least two study programs of drugs that did work on some of the hep C patients. But not on Greg. He would get his "numbers" down for a period of time, then they would shoot back up when the program ended. One of the drug regimens damn near did him in. After a period of time, I noticed that he seemed to be exhibiting behavior that was akin to early Alzheimer's. Scary. Very scary. I finally had to insist that he quit driving, since he just could not seem to remember where to turn or where he was going. During this time, we went to Vancouver, BC, Canada, for his oldest nephew's wedding. And most of the family noticed that Greg did not seem to be "all there". Just a vacant stare. And he was very, very chilled most of the time, and had lost a LOT of weight. When we returned to TX, we got a phone call from the gastro guy's office, wondering if Greg had stopped the drug, as instructed. It turned out that someone from the gastro office had neglected to phone us re: those instructions. We talked with the gastro guy (guess who had to drive him to this appointment?), and I could see that he positioned himself so that he could watch Greg in the mirror. He explained that this side effect was sometimes seen, while on this combo-drug treatment. And yes, Greg stopped that combo and gradually got better. But I did feel like he lost a bit of "edge" - hard to explain, but I guess when you spend so much time with someone, you know when they are not as sharp as before.

The above - in and out of drug trials and so on - happened over a period of several years. His employment changed over that time, too. As companies changed their buying habits to dealing directly with manufacturers for pc's and peripherals, jobs like Greg's where he sold products through his company, fell by the wayside. There was a temporary reprieve when his sales division was bought by an East Coast company. That lasted for a year or two, then buh-bye.

We talked about his options - not so great, when you have been in sales for years. He decided on a whole different tack - Home Depot (HD). He thought they would welcome his sales experience, and clients had always commented on how supportive he was of them. HD tested you to see where you would be a better fit. So naturally they put him in Flooring. FLOORING? Where he had NO. experience. at. all. They sent him to school, and soon he was doing those weekend classes where they show you how to install ceramic tile. I can see the light coming on in your collective brains: I always KNEW that those guys didn't know what they were talking about. Uh-huh. But he did a good job in those classes and made it a point to give the correct info and not throw out any BS if he didn't know the answers.

He was working at HD during the time of the "Alzheimer's" incident. And that got him fired. He did something totally inappropriate at work - something he would never have done if he had been in his right mind - and it got him fired. I will not go into his actions, for he can't defend himself. But we did not yet know why he was acting this way. If we had, we (or at least I) could have argued the case for him and probably have gotten his job back for him. Instead, he filed for unemployment.

By this time, I felt like my little row boat was drifting further and further from the shore. And me without any oars.

Confessions - Part One

Maybe this is why I am able to “let go” a bit earlier than some other widows. You can tell me…

Like many marriages, ours was not perfect. This was my second marriage and I was 37, and Greg was 34 and had never been married. He had been a musician before I met him – played with a country-western band for about 10 years and really, really loved drumming. He went into the business world after that, starting by selling computers with a retail organization and then moving into corporate sales after that. We had some lucrative years, where we kinda-sorta had money to burn. We had tackled that “should we have kids or not?” question right away – since I was already 37 - and had a mutual agreement that we could enjoy the nephews (four between us) and one niece and spoil ‘em a bit. Did you ever have an aunt or uncle that was single or didn’t have kids? We both had experienced that and we wanted to be that kind of uncle/aunt.

We met at the holidays of ’83, and we were both definite partiers. We ran with a group who seemed to find any excuse to party (read: drink), and that December we held a traditional gathering to celebrate the birthdays of a coupla guys in the group. We had this in Roseville (a St. Paul suburb) at a Mexican-themed chain restaurant, El Torito's, noted for their champagne brunches. Lots of free-flowing (poorer quality) champagne. There were a couple of faces that I did not know in the group (overlapping crowds – younger brothers and so on, of guys that were in my age bracket), and Greg’s was one of them. He was funny (always an important criteria for me – gotta have a GOOD sense of humor!). And when he started pouring champagne with a towel draped over his arm, I found that very funny (maybe the consumption of champagne helped, there). And even more so, when he returned wearing an apron of one of the waitresses AND her name tag, Nikki. I started chanting that Toni Basil song, “Hey Mickey”, substituting Nikki for Mickey. It turned out that this was Nikki’s last day, and Greg bought the name tag and apron from her. I think he gave me his phone number (probably on a business card) and I never followed up on it. I should mention that my on-and-off-again boyfriend, J, was there, too. But we were not “on” at that time.

Next time I saw Greg was in the spring, at the wedding of a couple that I knew through J. The guys (J and the groom, among them) played on a softball team called the Brew-Ha’s (what does that say about them?). I was not with J, but he decided that a seat beside me was where he wanted to sit. And I got up and moved – a couple of times, as I recall. I think Greg had a date. No big deal. Just noted that we had met each other a few months back.

And the culmination of all of this was my girlfriend’s wedding that summer. J (yes, another J!) and I had been friends since elementary school. This was her second wedding, and she wanted that “wedding of a lifetime” thing. Her worst decision was the choice of groom (as though MY choices for a love life have been that stellar). But it was a fun time, and the bridesmaids wore dresses that would have been right at home, if we had been extras in “Gone with the Wind”. Greg was there, and we started talking. Did some dancing, too. And eventually decided to leave together, although we did try to do so without LOOKING like either of us was leaving with the other. A then-friend of mine ruined that by shouting at me (I was THAT close to a clean get-away), “Jessi, who are you leaving with?!”

We went back to his place – me wearing that bridesmaid dress! – and then I realized that I probably shouldn’t have made that choice. So, yes, I “shut him down” and he was quite the gentleman, even giving me a t-shirt to sleep in. The next morning was even more awkward, as he drove me back to the street where my girlfriend lives and where I had left my car parked. Her parents (who knew me well) had overnighted there, so I slunk back into my car - wearing that dress! - and drove home (only a few short miles from there).

Anyway, one thing led to another, we continued dating, blah, blah, blah. Engaged just before we moved to Houston, and we drove into this city on New Year’s Eve day of 1984. We married in October of 1985.

We had come to Houston via a job transfer for Greg. Unfortunately, we moved here when oil prices were tumbling and businesses and public entities were curbing their spending. So the insurance he was supposed to sell, went nowhere. His target group was school districts. He was laid off, and went back to selling computers for a retail chain. And that led to working for a reseller (back before we all could buy our pc’s online and so on), and the money started to get much better. We had several lucrative years, until the online market drew away his bigger corporate clients.

We socialized with the co-workers from his employer, and from management on down, they were relatively young and hearty partiers. We were right at home with this crowd. I didn't know how easily Greg fit into ALL of this, at that time.

We had airline tickets and plans to go to the wedding of my oldest nephew that summer. I remember the date, for their marriage was scheduled for July 22nd, which is also my sister's birthday. It was just a bit before that date, in 1995, and I found Greg in what I thought was a comatose state, maybe even dead. I could not rouse him, could not even tell if he was breathing. I called 911 and they were able to get him "awake" and then informed me that he was passed out. I was shocked - why and what had made him do this? We ended up putting him in a couple-days detox program, and that made me have to cancel the plans for the MN wedding. I made some sorry excuse about him being hospitalized for stress or whatever. And I was seething, burning that his actions had deprived me of the chance of seeing my nephew, my godson, getting married.

And for me, the cat was out of the bag... I was married to an alcoholic, and never, EVER had had a clue that he just couldn't have a drink or several, then stop. For me, it had never been that big a deal. Did I enjoy a drink or more? Yeah, sure - but when it was appropriate, and not as in, "I had a bad day, I need a drink." Or, "I had a GREAT day, I'll have a drink to celebrate." Which should have been red flags to me, but somehow I was blind to all of that. Worse yet, I covered for him, as he wished, so that his family and mine did not know. And that left a helluva burden on my shoulders, as I would eventually come to find out.

Well, faithful reader(s), I will close this and try to find time to continue it at a later time. I feel better already, sharing this. Isn't that weird?

Widows Wear Stilettos

This posting is for any widows who may read my blog.

When Greg first died, I could not find any support. Oh, yeah - I had the obligatory "I'm sorry for your loss" comments and all, but I could not find any local support groups - not even through my church. I felt pretty at sea with all of this.

So, because I am an internet junkie (well, kinda sorta - but I was already writing this blog when he died), I went looking online. And I stumbled on a couple of areas. One was a local group, recently founded, that actually encouraged social gatherings. They did NOT promote themselves as a support group or counseling group. Just a place for those in like circumstances to vent, etc. Well, after several meetings with some of these people, it was evident to me that some were NOT making progress: some had lost their spouses over 2 years before and made the same woe-filled comments at each gathering. I know, I know... we all progress at our own pace. I just felt that some of those folks could probably benefit from professional counseling. And some may have suffered from depression, which I was fortunate to have NOT gone through. Stunned disbelief, I had, but not depression.

However, I did make a few closer friends out of this group, so that was good. A small group (in my suburban area) of us "broke away" and now meet every now and then for lunch and dinner. I am in phone contact with one of those women very frequently, and I enjoy her friendship. I guess you could call us "merry widows" because we have discovered that laughter is so beneficial.

I found another site that enourages and supports widows, and for a while I posted on that one - Widows Quest. Incredibly supportive women on that one.

Very recently, and a bit too late for the needs I had last year, I found this one, Widows Wear Stilettos. It looks a bit jazzy, maybe with a commercial look, and now has a book written by the woman who started this site. But it seems, on the surface at least, to be also incredibly supportive and has a monthly newsletter, some "tips", etc. The book apparently addresses dating. To sample the website, you might want to try the first monthly newsletter that I could find in the archives, dated September 2006. It even encourages you to - when you are ready - find love again. A comment by the author's rabbi: "Love doesn't die. The person does."

Okay - those of you who still have your spouses, I'll resume some "regular" stuff in my next post. But I still want to help the women who are in the same boat as I am. Collectively, we need all the help we can get!

Great garage sale!

Wow! Nancy had a wonderful two-day garage sale! Made over $1100, and got rid of gobs and gobs of stuff, to boot. My good friend D came in from Wimberley (Texas hill country region) to steer me right and kick my butt when my energy or drive was failing me. The upshot of all of this: I have kitchen cabinets that are now half-empty, and it will be much easier to pack up when the house sells. And my self-confidences is standing on its own hind legs and crowing, folks, CROWING.

Most of the money came from not-large-ticket items, and the profits were fairly well-split between Friday and Saturday. Holy cow - Friday was amazingly busy. We had (mentally) geared up for an 8 am start. Then I noticed a car sitting in front of the house, so I went outside. The driver asked when we were starting, I told him the time, and he said he would just sit outside until we were open. Well, I recognized the guy: he frequents the garage sales in this area, buys the better stuff, and then re-sells it for a profit. I don't care - more power to him. So this time we introduced ourselves, and I opened the garage and let him poke around while we were getting set up. I knew that he had been at a garage sale of mine a few years back. Anyway, after some chit-chat, T said he was a painter (interior/exterior) and I said that I did faux painting. He took my business card and also gave me some of his. He said he frequently gets asked if he does faux stuff or if he knows of anyone who does. Voila! Of course, it is probably a little late in the game (for my Houston contacts, anyway), but hey, it is nice to have someone think you have something to contribute.

Well, once the garage door was open on Friday, all hell broke loose. People swarmed us, plain and simple. It was after 8:30 before I was able to break free and put up the signs at the highway and entrance to my street! Fortunately, I had placed an ad in our regional weekly newspaper. So that brought in some folks, obviously. And I guess the signs did the rest. D sent me back inside partway thru the Friday sale, telling me that I HAD to find more things, since we were running out of items to show. So I did as directed. So amazing at the kinds of things that sold.

We celebrated with dinner at a local sushi restaurant. Well, we started the "celebration" with a glass of beer (each) at the house. Then we had two carafes of hot sake at Kenshin Sushi (great food there!), along with the food. And followed that with a glass of wine each back at the house.

Saturday seemed much slower, so I was surprised when the sales for that day were very similar to Friday's. OMG - so happy to see so much stuff out of the garage, out of the house. One nice Hispanic man was quite interested in any tools that I might be selling. He also chimed in and offered to find a second quote on getting my front tree (the one that split during Ike) chopped down. He said something about the fact that I needed a guy to kind of run intereference for me on this matter. (He is married, by the way and had his wife with him.) He also said to let him know when the house sells and I am ready to part with the rest of the tools.

More progress: the alarm company guy disconnected the alarm to the back (kitchen) door on Thursday, in preparation for the door replacement on Friday. And then the long-awaited replacement door was installed on Friday - it is SO much better than the old one, both in quality and in installation.

On Tuesday, a guy is coming out to give me an estimate on the tree removal. On Thursday (hopefully), the back door will be reconnected to the alarm system, and on Saturday someone from the church-affiliated donation center will pick up my couch and bring it to the center for re-sale. Busy girl, I am, she said. Now if I can only be so fortunate as to have a quick sale on the house. But....

Anyway, just coming down from my successful-sale "high". We ate at BJ's Restaurant, which is a place that brews its own beer (D and I like the Nutty Brewnette). They have a fantastic appetizer combo plate that was tasty and a little innovative. So nice to NOT be eating alone, to have someone to talk with.

Oh - and we played a few practice hands of Texas Hold'em, too. We got a little stumped on the poker "hierarchy", but other than that, did okay. We played with some of the "profits" as our bank. Of course, I would have to play it frequently to remember the rules about the flop and the burn and all of that. But I can see where it would get people out and trying to win.

It will be SO nice to NOT have to get up and face the herds who will paw thru your stuff, tomorrow. But hey - at least they bought the stuff! And my neighbor S sent over two beers for us to have with lunch today - good friend and neighbor! Anyway, gotta push off and get to bed. Catch up with y'all soon!

Another quiz: What is Your Heart Feeling?

Okay - I have a little bit of stuff to share, but none of it interesting. So I'll start with another quiz. This one is called --

What Is Your Heart Feeling?

My selection gave me this:


Your heart is brimming with passion, intensity, and extreme lust.
You definitely have desire for one particular person, and it seems like nothing can squelch your craving.
You are ready to walk across fire for the one you love.

Deep down, your heart is susceptible to: Distrust and aggression . You're determined to get what you want.

Your current outlook on love: Love equals obsession. Love equals mania. Love equals thirst.

Your love life will improve if you: Follow your passion far, but not so far as to ruin your life.

Watch out for: False feelings. Your emotions are intense, but they could easily mislead you.

WOW! As they said back in my day, "That's heavy!" Hmmm... extreme lust??!!

Okay - back to boring, everyday, mundane stuff.

Leroy (the wonderful painter) is making more progress on the interior painting. He got the upstairs bath FINISHED in one session (bless his heart) and today is starting on the dining room. First, he had to move the big ol' china cabinet - and to refrain the previous wording, "That's heavy (as in WEIGHT)." I do need to unpack it, but the weight is mostly from the cabinet itself.

I will be so happy to start the garage sale. I know the setup will be a major pain, but I am SO ready to see what I can sell. I have already sold (to co-workers) pots and pans, a camel-backed steamer trunk (hand painted by my late mother-in-law) and possibly some towels (college student daughter of a co-worker). Oh, and an older Seal-A-Meal, complete with lots of bags in various sizes.

Some of my neighbors have admired the new lights that have been installed outside my garage, and front door (plus there is one outside the back door, too). They are all dusk-to-dawn, plus when you approach closer to the lights, they flare brightly, as an added protection factor.

The APX Alarm person will come out on Thursday, to de-install the device that is on the back (kitchen) door. Also, I had an alarm failure on the dining room windows last night when I tried to set the alarm for the house. After talking with APX, the tech guy put it on the "to do" list for the person who will be here Thursday.

On Friday, someone from Custom Doors will take my old kitchen door and its rotted frame, out and replace it with the much nicer one that Greg and I had chosen last spring. I can hardly wait to see how it will look!

And, of course, Thursday is set-up, for the Friday and Saturday garage sale. I hope that my girlfriend D can make it here, to help me. If not - I'll take a deep breath and find a way to get some of the heavier stuff carried down the stairs and out into the garage.

I already dragged THIS down the stairs, and it was another HEAVY item. Most difficult of all was getting it into my '97 Honda Accord. But I did it all by myself - all 114 pounds of me. I am Woman, hear me roar.... yeah, I know, I really was NOT that fond of that ol' song, either. Besides, nowadays, someone would associate roaring with me being a "cougar". Nah - not really interested in those really younger men. Unless a very rich one just absolutely fell in love with me and I could NOT dissuade him...

See y'all down the road a piece.

What Girl Scout Cookie Are You?

Totally uninspired am I. So... you get a blog quiz:

WHAT GIRL SCOUT COOKIE ARE YOU?

YOU ARE THIN MINTS

You are bold and brave. You dare to be different, and you are confident about who you are.
Your fearlessness has paid off. You are extremely well liked and popular.

You are charismatic and charming without even trying to be. People appreciate your unique take on life.
You are willing to take risks, speak your mind, and live life to the fullest.

anyhoo: It's a quick and easy thing to do. Give it a try! Link at What Girl Scout Cookie Are You (just above the cookie photo).

Harmonicas?

In my apparently futile attempt to downsize, I have been going thru closets and cabinets, boxes and bags. Ugh. What a way to find things that you REALLY did not, do not want to, even have to deal with.

For those who did not know him: my late spouse had been in a country-western band in northen Minnesota. He was the drummer with Whiskey River for about 10 years, spanning from about 1970 to 1980. I met him after his exit from the band, when he was a worker bee, wearing a shirt and tie and no longer sporting the long-ish hair and ZZ Top-style beard. I am not sure that Mister Band Member would have been attractive to me - ever. Since his death, I have come across various things related to his days with the band, including "drum toys" such as various cymbals, etc.

This is to give basis to my latest discovery. Monday evening, I was poking around another closet upstairs. This had been somewhat simple to clear out: to the right (on the shelf above the clothing pole) is a stack of audio components. I hope that they will find favor with someone at the garage sale. But way to the left, tucked back on top of a covered carton (labeled as the aforementioned "drum toys") is a canvas tote sack. I cannot reach that from the floor, so I put that on my to-do list for another day.

I am currently precluded from using the master bath, while the painter does his thing, preparing the walls and ceiling for painting. So I run upstairs to shower each morning, then downstairs to blow-dry my hair (upstairs plug is dead - don't ask). I remembered the bag, so I dragged up the folding two-step stool with me. Put it in front of the closet and l-e-a-n-e-d way over the to left on my tip-toes and ah-ha! got hold of that canvas bag. Brought it close to me and.... WTF? Harmonicas, maybe 8 to 15 of 'em, in their original boxes. It appears that they are all Hohner brand, made in Germany. I am assuming that these are at least pre-1980. I don't know if he had been interested in playing these at one time or not. I have given up asking questions, and now figuring out what to DO with these. I looked on EBAY, and it doesn't appear that there is much demand for vintage harmonicas - if these would even be considered in that class. I'll talk with a couple of his old buddies from the musicians that I know and see what he had these for - if, in fact, he even mentioned these to them.

As Yul Brynner's character says in the King and I, "Is a puzzlement."