Monday, October 27, 2008

Wedding anniversary

Yesterday was another one of my "firsts" - our wedding anniversary, and the first one ever that we did not, will not be able to spend together. I think I talked with him a whole lot more during that day, than I have any day since his death. I made cookies (something he would have enjoyed) and had a glass-and-a-half of wine with dinner. And cried. Now I really know the meaning, the feeling, of “bittersweet tears”. Bitter, because he is gone and I am alone. Sweet, the memories. Happy anniversary, baby. You are loved... and terribly, awfully missed.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

I Miss You

Today is the five-month mark. From May 15th to October 15th. And I wonder when... if I will ever stop missing him. By degrees, the hurt and pain seems to lessen. But that ache, that very deep ache remains.

I need to record Greg’s voice – because I cannot remember the sound of it. I miss his hugs, his “I love you”s, his veggie-chopping while we are preparing another new dish to try. And here I am, typing and tears are loading up my eyes. Miss you, babe – and I hope somehow that you feel that. Love you…

Monday, October 6, 2008

Ike wrap-up and other stuff

Wrapping up after Ike… most little things are repaired. I did have missing shingles, but that could only be seen from the back yard of my next-door neighbor. She’s the one who told me about them. I showed it to the couple who had their roof so devastated following the storm, and the husband got two shingles and used my extension ladder to crawl up there and patch it up. I hope it holds. Free repair – the shingles were leftovers from another neighbor and the donated work was gratefully accepted by me. I still have to have the remainder of that split tree removed, but I’ll get to that when I can. It could be worse – there are lots of blue-tarped roofs all over the block, and at least one of them is NOT mine.

Having some weepy (or near-tears) moments today. Reading other blogs about those who have also lost their spouses.

Birthdays are tough ones, it seems, for most of us. I kinda thought my own would be difficult, but his - September 20th - was the absolute worst. Because he will always and forever be 56, while I age onward. I will have to find a way to mark his birthday, for the future. It was just too emotional for me to even think of doing anything this year. Our wedding anniversary is October 26th. Another tough day looming.

I went through some old cards recently – we had a bad habit of saving the cards that the other one had given us for various and sundry occasions. So I thought, it’s time to weed these out… and then I came across one of those little cards that are included in a floral arrangement. This one said, “Remembering the day when both our hearts were saved.” And it marked the anniversary of one of my open-heart surgeries, and I cannot remember which one that was (I have had two such surgeries). But pow! Like a sucker-punch to the gut… and the tears flowed. I just was not expecting that.

Re-inventing yourself, is what one of the attendees said at one of the Widow/Widowers meetup dinner. He said that’s what he has decided he has to do. And I know that’s true. But it seems so hollow sometimes. There was another W/W meetup Saturday night. Some of us were talking and saying how we would look at dating couples and remark to our spouses that we were glad that that was not us. And one of the women said, “And now… look at us. How do you start to approach dating at this point in our lives?”

For all you complacent folks out there, in committed relationships – I truly, truly hope that you are able to go forward with your partners into old age. Cuz I gotta tell ya, having no one by your side as you face the future, just absolutely sucks. There is not one of us at the W/W meetups that could have placed ourselves right where we are, right now. Ever.

I sold Greg’s car on Friday. A co-worker knew that I was thinking about selling it, and when her teenage daughter’s car was wrecked, the insurance company (of course!) put her daughter onto mom’s new car. Much higher rates. So the ’99 Subaru Forester belongs to someone else now. Greg was always so good about having regular maintenance done to the cars, so I know that this is a safe car for a teen girl to drive. I emptied out the car, and found a note I had written to him around this time last fall. It said, “Don’t forget to get your flu shot! I love you” and I had drawn a heart after that. Schmaltzy, but that was the kind of thing we did with each other. Again, an unexpected link with the past and tears flowing again. Damn.

Still going through Greg’s clothes, parsing out the ones that I’ll donate here in my area, and some that I will send up to my mother (probably) to donate to Goodwill or some such organization in northern MN. He had some really good sweaters and a very nice, very warm winter jacket that would probably be appreciated and put to better use in that part of the country.

I could really use a hug today. Damn, again.