A weekend to put behind me…
Not a lot goin’ on this past weekend, except –
An oil change that grew more expensive, when the radiator, cracked and leaking antifreeze (so that’s what that smell was!), had to be repaired. The Honda is a ’97 and has many miles on it, and many more to give – I hope – so it was worth the investment. The place where we have had our Hondas worked on for many years, has always been fair and honest. So I gave the assent on getting the necessary work done.
Early voting – so-o-o easy! Used a new polling location that I think a lot of folks do not yet know about. There were maybe 6 or 8 booths, and only 3 were in use when I strolled in. And… NO LINE! I did my bit and only wish that I could have cast a ballot for Greg, too. When I talked with my mom on Sunday, she informed me that Minnesota does NOT have early voting. Maybe we have early voting in Texas, due to the much larger population?
Picked up my re-sized wedding ring, so I have a connection to the old, married gal that I used to be, before I was suddenly turned into a widow. I had the ring set (soldered together years and years ago) sized for my right hand, and my right hand is slightly bigger than my left. It is a very pretty diamond that I probably should list in my will. It felt good to have it again, but a bit odd to wear it on my right hand. Still, a connection to that bright and hopeful day 23 years ago.
Had to meet (at the jeweler's) with the co-worker who bought Greg’s old Subaru. Between the two of us (she and me, that is), we had filled out paperwork that the state of Texas had on the internet and then I signed in a couple of places. A signature was missing in a couple of spots, so it was provided and she was able to file for the title change and make everything all legal-shmegal. You can discuss amongst yourselves, as to whose signature was missing – and just how it was provided. I will deny everything.
Sunday was another tough day for me. Our church always celebrates All Saints Day on the Sunday closest to that day. They read the names (submitted by members of the congregation) of family and friends who have died during the preceding year. I had 3 names this year: Greg’s, his dad’s and my Aunt Rita, who would have turned 90 in March. Plus this year, they dedicated a Prayer Garden and planted some roses in that garden for the congregants who passed away. The service was held outside, the weather was gorgeous (in the 70’s with sunshine and low humidity), and the setting was nice, on a hilly embankment leading down to the little lake (more pond-sized, maybe?). They rang a handbell (one of the deeper-toned ones) after each congregant’s name. It was very emotional, and yet I wouldn’t have missed it for the world. At the same time, it was rather like re-living the memorial service. So another emotional day for me.
Finishing this posting on Election Day. I certainly hope this country has taken to heart just what has transpired the last 8 years and wants to take a new direction. As always, time will tell.
Over and out...
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
Wedding anniversary
Yesterday was another one of my "firsts" - our wedding anniversary, and the first one ever that we did not, will not be able to spend together. I think I talked with him a whole lot more during that day, than I have any day since his death. I made cookies (something he would have enjoyed) and had a glass-and-a-half of wine with dinner. And cried. Now I really know the meaning, the feeling, of “bittersweet tears”. Bitter, because he is gone and I am alone. Sweet, the memories. Happy anniversary, baby. You are loved... and terribly, awfully missed.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
I Miss You
Today is the five-month mark. From May 15th to October 15th. And I wonder when... if I will ever stop missing him. By degrees, the hurt and pain seems to lessen. But that ache, that very deep ache remains.
I need to record Greg’s voice – because I cannot remember the sound of it. I miss his hugs, his “I love you”s, his veggie-chopping while we are preparing another new dish to try. And here I am, typing and tears are loading up my eyes. Miss you, babe – and I hope somehow that you feel that. Love you…
I need to record Greg’s voice – because I cannot remember the sound of it. I miss his hugs, his “I love you”s, his veggie-chopping while we are preparing another new dish to try. And here I am, typing and tears are loading up my eyes. Miss you, babe – and I hope somehow that you feel that. Love you…
Monday, October 6, 2008
Ike wrap-up and other stuff
Wrapping up after Ike… most little things are repaired. I did have missing shingles, but that could only be seen from the back yard of my next-door neighbor. She’s the one who told me about them. I showed it to the couple who had their roof so devastated following the storm, and the husband got two shingles and used my extension ladder to crawl up there and patch it up. I hope it holds. Free repair – the shingles were leftovers from another neighbor and the donated work was gratefully accepted by me. I still have to have the remainder of that split tree removed, but I’ll get to that when I can. It could be worse – there are lots of blue-tarped roofs all over the block, and at least one of them is NOT mine.
Having some weepy (or near-tears) moments today. Reading other blogs about those who have also lost their spouses.
Birthdays are tough ones, it seems, for most of us. I kinda thought my own would be difficult, but his - September 20th - was the absolute worst. Because he will always and forever be 56, while I age onward. I will have to find a way to mark his birthday, for the future. It was just too emotional for me to even think of doing anything this year. Our wedding anniversary is October 26th. Another tough day looming.
I went through some old cards recently – we had a bad habit of saving the cards that the other one had given us for various and sundry occasions. So I thought, it’s time to weed these out… and then I came across one of those little cards that are included in a floral arrangement. This one said, “Remembering the day when both our hearts were saved.” And it marked the anniversary of one of my open-heart surgeries, and I cannot remember which one that was (I have had two such surgeries). But pow! Like a sucker-punch to the gut… and the tears flowed. I just was not expecting that.
Re-inventing yourself, is what one of the attendees said at one of the Widow/Widowers meetup dinner. He said that’s what he has decided he has to do. And I know that’s true. But it seems so hollow sometimes. There was another W/W meetup Saturday night. Some of us were talking and saying how we would look at dating couples and remark to our spouses that we were glad that that was not us. And one of the women said, “And now… look at us. How do you start to approach dating at this point in our lives?”
For all you complacent folks out there, in committed relationships – I truly, truly hope that you are able to go forward with your partners into old age. Cuz I gotta tell ya, having no one by your side as you face the future, just absolutely sucks. There is not one of us at the W/W meetups that could have placed ourselves right where we are, right now. Ever.
I sold Greg’s car on Friday. A co-worker knew that I was thinking about selling it, and when her teenage daughter’s car was wrecked, the insurance company (of course!) put her daughter onto mom’s new car. Much higher rates. So the ’99 Subaru Forester belongs to someone else now. Greg was always so good about having regular maintenance done to the cars, so I know that this is a safe car for a teen girl to drive. I emptied out the car, and found a note I had written to him around this time last fall. It said, “Don’t forget to get your flu shot! I love you” and I had drawn a heart after that. Schmaltzy, but that was the kind of thing we did with each other. Again, an unexpected link with the past and tears flowing again. Damn.
Still going through Greg’s clothes, parsing out the ones that I’ll donate here in my area, and some that I will send up to my mother (probably) to donate to Goodwill or some such organization in northern MN. He had some really good sweaters and a very nice, very warm winter jacket that would probably be appreciated and put to better use in that part of the country.
I could really use a hug today. Damn, again.
Having some weepy (or near-tears) moments today. Reading other blogs about those who have also lost their spouses.
Birthdays are tough ones, it seems, for most of us. I kinda thought my own would be difficult, but his - September 20th - was the absolute worst. Because he will always and forever be 56, while I age onward. I will have to find a way to mark his birthday, for the future. It was just too emotional for me to even think of doing anything this year. Our wedding anniversary is October 26th. Another tough day looming.
I went through some old cards recently – we had a bad habit of saving the cards that the other one had given us for various and sundry occasions. So I thought, it’s time to weed these out… and then I came across one of those little cards that are included in a floral arrangement. This one said, “Remembering the day when both our hearts were saved.” And it marked the anniversary of one of my open-heart surgeries, and I cannot remember which one that was (I have had two such surgeries). But pow! Like a sucker-punch to the gut… and the tears flowed. I just was not expecting that.
Re-inventing yourself, is what one of the attendees said at one of the Widow/Widowers meetup dinner. He said that’s what he has decided he has to do. And I know that’s true. But it seems so hollow sometimes. There was another W/W meetup Saturday night. Some of us were talking and saying how we would look at dating couples and remark to our spouses that we were glad that that was not us. And one of the women said, “And now… look at us. How do you start to approach dating at this point in our lives?”
For all you complacent folks out there, in committed relationships – I truly, truly hope that you are able to go forward with your partners into old age. Cuz I gotta tell ya, having no one by your side as you face the future, just absolutely sucks. There is not one of us at the W/W meetups that could have placed ourselves right where we are, right now. Ever.
I sold Greg’s car on Friday. A co-worker knew that I was thinking about selling it, and when her teenage daughter’s car was wrecked, the insurance company (of course!) put her daughter onto mom’s new car. Much higher rates. So the ’99 Subaru Forester belongs to someone else now. Greg was always so good about having regular maintenance done to the cars, so I know that this is a safe car for a teen girl to drive. I emptied out the car, and found a note I had written to him around this time last fall. It said, “Don’t forget to get your flu shot! I love you” and I had drawn a heart after that. Schmaltzy, but that was the kind of thing we did with each other. Again, an unexpected link with the past and tears flowing again. Damn.
Still going through Greg’s clothes, parsing out the ones that I’ll donate here in my area, and some that I will send up to my mother (probably) to donate to Goodwill or some such organization in northern MN. He had some really good sweaters and a very nice, very warm winter jacket that would probably be appreciated and put to better use in that part of the country.
I could really use a hug today. Damn, again.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Ike chronicles, part I
Left the neighborhood late this morning (11-ish) to grab lunch out. What can you do without power? And going a bit stir-crazy, too. Ran into 3 friends from church at the Chili’s and we exchanged war stories. A few restaurants were back on the grid (God, I hate that phrase – sick of hearing about power grids). When I drove back into my neighborhood, the neighbor’s young son was yelling, “We have power, we have power!” Whew - I have never been so happy to have the electricity come back on! Small things that we take for granted... lights, television, a/c, internet and e-mail. Folks calling me from around the country and telling me what they had seen on tv - and my neighbors and myself are living through it and cannot see what has been on national tv, let alone local tv. Grrr...
Well, what was it like? Scary, just damned scary. This would have been hard to go through with Greg, and more difficult than I can say, all alone. Ike was, of course, very noisy, very windy and the force behind the rain? Unbelievable. I actually got to sleep before anything started - I think that was after midnight. The power went out in my area at 11:38 (I have an atomic clock), I had just hung up with a Minnesota friend, less than a minute before that. I was awakened around 3:45 or so - power came back on, so I jumped out of bed with enough time to turn off the light in the family room and the tv, too. Power dropped before I could get back to the bedroom. I think the big blast in my area was around that time. The windows were rattling, shaking fiercely, and of course too dark to see what was happening outside. A hurricane at night – your worst nightmare.
I was out of bed before 5 am. I could hear water running somewhere. Where, WHERE? and using the flashlight to survey the second and first floors. Couldn't see a damned leak anywhere, and still could hear the water running, running... When it finally got a little settled down (daylight, still lots of wind and lessened rainfall), I went outside and found a water spigot had snapped off. Water was gushing out of there like it was a fire hydrant. (Gonna have a BIG water bill this month, uh huh) I drafted the neighbor's brother in turning off the water to the house.
More damage – several sections of fencing in the backyard fell down. Fence posts just plumb fell over, a combination of the saturated ground and 12 years of wood rot from Houston weather. So I introduced myself to the husband/homeowner (of the over-the-fence property) and was talking about the water spigot problem. He gestured to the young man with him, saying, “He’s a contractor. Have him take a look at it.” This guy is his son-in-law, and so he walked over the downed fence section and came around to the spot with the broken spigot. He got the spigot back on with plumbers putty, but it was still spewing water. His suggestion: attach a hose with a handheld sprayer to the faucet. That did the trick, until Home Depot was completely open and I could get a replacement faucet/spigot combo.
Final damage – one of the two big oak trees in the front split and a fork of that oak came down – about a third of the tree. Best news: did NOT fall on my house, my car (was in the garage), or anyone else’s property.
House seems to have come through it great! All damage was external. Worse news: my homeowners policy has nearly a $4,000 deductible, which I will most likely NOT exceed, so it’s on my dime. But hey – I did this, survived it and met lots and lots of the neighbors, who offered lots of help.
One home had the worst damage in my immediate block-sized area. Shingles ripped off, saturated insulation and a caved-in ceiling. And they were still willing to offer aid to others.
After all of this, the biggest problem was power. Without power: no gas stations were able to pump. And without gas, no generators could continue running (if you were fortunate enough to have or find one), no cars could go very far. People were running out of gas, waiting in line for the very few open stations. No refrigeration, no a/c. And for anyone who has not experienced the summer weather here, just think sauna. Hot and steamy. So we are not whining about a/c – it is a necessity, just like heat is for surviving northern winters.
No stores – gotta have electricity to log those purchases. No restaurants – gotta have the juice, Bruce. All the things you take for granted.
I tried without success to find an open Home Depot on Sunday. I saw a line at the entrance to the lumber area and was told that they were only issuing fencing and other building stuff – no store admittance at all. The only grocery store open that day, had a single entrance open, minimum lights and only admitting a few at a time. Folks were standing in the rain (yes, more rain on Sunday), awaiting entrance. To see what had happened, what others were seeing, I had to buy a Sunday newspaper. I felt very isolated from all the news coverage. I could listen to tv coverage on my batter-operated radio, but could not see what they were showing.
BUT - the greatest thing out of all of this – meeting and helping each other up and down this street. I cannot tell you how heartwarming this has been, sharing and caring for each other. Gives you faith in your fellow man/woman.
Phone calls from caring folks: thank you all for thinking and caring and praying for me. I feel like Sally Fields during her Oscar acceptance speech: “You like me, you really like me!”
This may bore you - but I will probably continue this saga tomorrow. Work has been cancelled for another day. Might be back to work on Thursday...
Well, what was it like? Scary, just damned scary. This would have been hard to go through with Greg, and more difficult than I can say, all alone. Ike was, of course, very noisy, very windy and the force behind the rain? Unbelievable. I actually got to sleep before anything started - I think that was after midnight. The power went out in my area at 11:38 (I have an atomic clock), I had just hung up with a Minnesota friend, less than a minute before that. I was awakened around 3:45 or so - power came back on, so I jumped out of bed with enough time to turn off the light in the family room and the tv, too. Power dropped before I could get back to the bedroom. I think the big blast in my area was around that time. The windows were rattling, shaking fiercely, and of course too dark to see what was happening outside. A hurricane at night – your worst nightmare.
I was out of bed before 5 am. I could hear water running somewhere. Where, WHERE? and using the flashlight to survey the second and first floors. Couldn't see a damned leak anywhere, and still could hear the water running, running... When it finally got a little settled down (daylight, still lots of wind and lessened rainfall), I went outside and found a water spigot had snapped off. Water was gushing out of there like it was a fire hydrant. (Gonna have a BIG water bill this month, uh huh) I drafted the neighbor's brother in turning off the water to the house.
More damage – several sections of fencing in the backyard fell down. Fence posts just plumb fell over, a combination of the saturated ground and 12 years of wood rot from Houston weather. So I introduced myself to the husband/homeowner (of the over-the-fence property) and was talking about the water spigot problem. He gestured to the young man with him, saying, “He’s a contractor. Have him take a look at it.” This guy is his son-in-law, and so he walked over the downed fence section and came around to the spot with the broken spigot. He got the spigot back on with plumbers putty, but it was still spewing water. His suggestion: attach a hose with a handheld sprayer to the faucet. That did the trick, until Home Depot was completely open and I could get a replacement faucet/spigot combo.
Final damage – one of the two big oak trees in the front split and a fork of that oak came down – about a third of the tree. Best news: did NOT fall on my house, my car (was in the garage), or anyone else’s property.
House seems to have come through it great! All damage was external. Worse news: my homeowners policy has nearly a $4,000 deductible, which I will most likely NOT exceed, so it’s on my dime. But hey – I did this, survived it and met lots and lots of the neighbors, who offered lots of help.
One home had the worst damage in my immediate block-sized area. Shingles ripped off, saturated insulation and a caved-in ceiling. And they were still willing to offer aid to others.
After all of this, the biggest problem was power. Without power: no gas stations were able to pump. And without gas, no generators could continue running (if you were fortunate enough to have or find one), no cars could go very far. People were running out of gas, waiting in line for the very few open stations. No refrigeration, no a/c. And for anyone who has not experienced the summer weather here, just think sauna. Hot and steamy. So we are not whining about a/c – it is a necessity, just like heat is for surviving northern winters.
No stores – gotta have electricity to log those purchases. No restaurants – gotta have the juice, Bruce. All the things you take for granted.
I tried without success to find an open Home Depot on Sunday. I saw a line at the entrance to the lumber area and was told that they were only issuing fencing and other building stuff – no store admittance at all. The only grocery store open that day, had a single entrance open, minimum lights and only admitting a few at a time. Folks were standing in the rain (yes, more rain on Sunday), awaiting entrance. To see what had happened, what others were seeing, I had to buy a Sunday newspaper. I felt very isolated from all the news coverage. I could listen to tv coverage on my batter-operated radio, but could not see what they were showing.
BUT - the greatest thing out of all of this – meeting and helping each other up and down this street. I cannot tell you how heartwarming this has been, sharing and caring for each other. Gives you faith in your fellow man/woman.
Phone calls from caring folks: thank you all for thinking and caring and praying for me. I feel like Sally Fields during her Oscar acceptance speech: “You like me, you really like me!”
This may bore you - but I will probably continue this saga tomorrow. Work has been cancelled for another day. Might be back to work on Thursday...
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Busy, stay busy
Note: this posting was started on August 26th. Good intentions, but...
It helps me to stay busy, stay occupied. And it really, REALLY helps to do activities outside the house and with other people. Unless you are very alone (meaning no family lives with you, no roommate, nobody), you probably cannot relate to this need, this compelling need to socialize.
Anyhoo... It has been and will be a good, busy week for me. Last Saturday was another Meetup for the Houston Widows and Widowers group. Much better one (for me) this time. It was a movie meetup. We met at a pre-assigned time, chose our movie (Tropic Thunder for me and most of the others, Mirrors for 2 remaining), then met at Cafe Adobe afterwards for food and talk. Miss Chatty Cathy was there with her 2 daughters, but somehow did not monopolize the conversation. I am not sure how or why that happened, but it was a blessing for me and for some others. We think she might benefit from a grief group or from conversations with a pastor or something. I just know that we should not have to act as a counselor for her. Don't tell me that I am cold or unfeeling - it is just that we all deserve a few minutes to speak our piece, share our quirks and questions, express our fears or reluctance. And when she starts to talk, that does NOT happen. It turns into a filibuster.
After we ate, most of us stuck around to try to plan some upcoming activities. We think we might get better attendance if we have a variety of things planned. I did meet 2 additional members (one a recent joiner and one who joined several months ago). Plus I met the organizer, a very vibrant and supportive woman.
Tonight (Wednesday) I signed up for a cooking class. Don't know if it will be any of the ol' hands-on stuff, but I hope to pick up some recipes, pointers, etc. And it will allow me to meet some MORE new people. The theme is Asian food, so that should be interesting. Many years ago, I went to a cooking class on stir-fry cooking, and that's how I got started on using a wok.
Thursday is the monthly dinner-group meeting, with the people from church. We are going to Rudi Lechner's Restaurant - I think the owner is either Austrian or German. The food is a good selection of some German-style favorites. I really like going to this restaurant during the Oktoberfest time - because then they have a little German-flavored entertainment, with music and a guy who does a comedic bit - and of course I really like the sing-along songs. A coupla beers loosens my vocal cords! My fellow dinner-groupers are probably happy that this is NOT Oktoberfest and they will not have to listen to my caterwauling.
The Meetup group has an afternoon of miniature golf planned for Saturday. This is a long weekend (Labor Day holiday) and we tried to schedule something so that we can get out of our houses and mingle over that time frame. I am looking forward to sleeping in for a couple of mornings.
Finally, I would suggest this particular blog-posting for anyone in my situation (lost your spouse). The fellow who writes this blog has recently remarried, and I hope they have a long and happy life together. His wife died over 2 years ago, leaving him and his 2-year-old son to carry on. This blog comments on dating again, on going forward after losing your spouse. Please pay attention to his warnings about reading it - if you are not yet open to approaching life again, or you are not ready to socialize yet, then this may not be something you should read. For me, the timing was right... but then, I have always been a social-type, and I enjoy meeting others and feel like I am not ready to dry up and blow away. Anyway, here is his blog about Honoring Your Wedding Vows. It really spoke to me. Really and truly.
I am finishing this long-delayed post (written about a week-and-a-half ago) so that I can get over this one and move on to another.
Today was the four-month mark for me, after Greg's death. And I am amazed at the progress. Yes, I miss Greg; yes, I am lonely; yes, I curse about having to do EVERYTHING myself. But I am amazed at how much progress I have made, emotionally. I never, NEVER thought I would be at this stage by now. I can talk freely about him without breaking down into sobs. Of course, I will still be caught off-guard. I had found a good country-music station which broadcasts out of Austin, on my return trip yesterday from visiting my friends in Wimberley. And this song comes on, I'll Wait for You, which I vaguely recalled. And when the song was ending with these lines:
The doctor said, she's in a better place
She said to give this you this note just in case
And it said, I'll wait for you at Heaven's gate
Oh, I don't care how long it takes
And I'll tell Saint Pete I can't come in
Without my love and my best friend
Oh, this ain't nothin' new
Sweetheart, I'll wait for you
P.S. I love you, too
Sweetheart, I'll wait for you
Well, that was it for me. I was in tears. Just drivin' and cryin'. Caught off-guard, like I said. A song that I would have previously dismissed as schmaltzy. Now with a new meaning to me. Just like Garth Brooks' song, The Dance.
Posting this one... and hopefully followed by another, in a much shorter time frame.
It helps me to stay busy, stay occupied. And it really, REALLY helps to do activities outside the house and with other people. Unless you are very alone (meaning no family lives with you, no roommate, nobody), you probably cannot relate to this need, this compelling need to socialize.
Anyhoo... It has been and will be a good, busy week for me. Last Saturday was another Meetup for the Houston Widows and Widowers group. Much better one (for me) this time. It was a movie meetup. We met at a pre-assigned time, chose our movie (Tropic Thunder for me and most of the others, Mirrors for 2 remaining), then met at Cafe Adobe afterwards for food and talk. Miss Chatty Cathy was there with her 2 daughters, but somehow did not monopolize the conversation. I am not sure how or why that happened, but it was a blessing for me and for some others. We think she might benefit from a grief group or from conversations with a pastor or something. I just know that we should not have to act as a counselor for her. Don't tell me that I am cold or unfeeling - it is just that we all deserve a few minutes to speak our piece, share our quirks and questions, express our fears or reluctance. And when she starts to talk, that does NOT happen. It turns into a filibuster.
After we ate, most of us stuck around to try to plan some upcoming activities. We think we might get better attendance if we have a variety of things planned. I did meet 2 additional members (one a recent joiner and one who joined several months ago). Plus I met the organizer, a very vibrant and supportive woman.
Tonight (Wednesday) I signed up for a cooking class. Don't know if it will be any of the ol' hands-on stuff, but I hope to pick up some recipes, pointers, etc. And it will allow me to meet some MORE new people. The theme is Asian food, so that should be interesting. Many years ago, I went to a cooking class on stir-fry cooking, and that's how I got started on using a wok.
Thursday is the monthly dinner-group meeting, with the people from church. We are going to Rudi Lechner's Restaurant - I think the owner is either Austrian or German. The food is a good selection of some German-style favorites. I really like going to this restaurant during the Oktoberfest time - because then they have a little German-flavored entertainment, with music and a guy who does a comedic bit - and of course I really like the sing-along songs. A coupla beers loosens my vocal cords! My fellow dinner-groupers are probably happy that this is NOT Oktoberfest and they will not have to listen to my caterwauling.
The Meetup group has an afternoon of miniature golf planned for Saturday. This is a long weekend (Labor Day holiday) and we tried to schedule something so that we can get out of our houses and mingle over that time frame. I am looking forward to sleeping in for a couple of mornings.
Finally, I would suggest this particular blog-posting for anyone in my situation (lost your spouse). The fellow who writes this blog has recently remarried, and I hope they have a long and happy life together. His wife died over 2 years ago, leaving him and his 2-year-old son to carry on. This blog comments on dating again, on going forward after losing your spouse. Please pay attention to his warnings about reading it - if you are not yet open to approaching life again, or you are not ready to socialize yet, then this may not be something you should read. For me, the timing was right... but then, I have always been a social-type, and I enjoy meeting others and feel like I am not ready to dry up and blow away. Anyway, here is his blog about Honoring Your Wedding Vows. It really spoke to me. Really and truly.
I am finishing this long-delayed post (written about a week-and-a-half ago) so that I can get over this one and move on to another.
Today was the four-month mark for me, after Greg's death. And I am amazed at the progress. Yes, I miss Greg; yes, I am lonely; yes, I curse about having to do EVERYTHING myself. But I am amazed at how much progress I have made, emotionally. I never, NEVER thought I would be at this stage by now. I can talk freely about him without breaking down into sobs. Of course, I will still be caught off-guard. I had found a good country-music station which broadcasts out of Austin, on my return trip yesterday from visiting my friends in Wimberley. And this song comes on, I'll Wait for You, which I vaguely recalled. And when the song was ending with these lines:
The doctor said, she's in a better place
She said to give this you this note just in case
And it said, I'll wait for you at Heaven's gate
Oh, I don't care how long it takes
And I'll tell Saint Pete I can't come in
Without my love and my best friend
Oh, this ain't nothin' new
Sweetheart, I'll wait for you
P.S. I love you, too
Sweetheart, I'll wait for you
Well, that was it for me. I was in tears. Just drivin' and cryin'. Caught off-guard, like I said. A song that I would have previously dismissed as schmaltzy. Now with a new meaning to me. Just like Garth Brooks' song, The Dance.
Posting this one... and hopefully followed by another, in a much shorter time frame.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
This awful club
Here is one of the latest blog postings by the woman who writes about losing her husband and the father of their 6 kids:
Bandages and Wounds
She is fortunate that she has identified (somehow) a group of widows up in her area (the Woodlands, which is about a 1-hour drive north of where I live). And I know what she means by this "same sucky club" that no one wants to join.
Like she expressed: I am sure that people look at me and hear me and think (or tell each other) that I am doing so well. NOT. It is a facade, folks. Smoke and mirrors. You should see the house and how neglected everything is. Not really dirty. But just kinda, why bother? Who else will see it? It's just me, the bills, the tv and the empty house. Every time Greg's watch beeps (on the hour, EVERY hour) and I am there to hear it, I'll make a remark to him (as though he could even hear that remark). But it's the only "person" that I have to talk with. Try going an entire day without speaking to another living person. Not so great, eh? And that's my day, if I don't go to work or shopping or some other place where folks probably think that I am way too chatty. If they only knew.
That beeping watch. Greg brought it back with him from Phoenix. It had been his dad's, and good ol' Bob, an engineer to the end, had obviously set this Timex to do that (beeping on the hour) and then descended into the hell that is Alzheimer's, leaving his watch beeping on. I complained to Greg - he, who needed the hearing aid, after damaging his hearing over years of playing live music next to amps - and told him that I could hear it when I was in the kitchen and it beeped in the bedroom. I could, I really could. Annoying. And now it is a measure of comfort to me. Strange, eh? It reminds me that another hour has passed or that a new day is starting, or that another day is drawing to a close.
Next week it will be 3 months since Greg died. I can go up those stairs now, but I always think about how I found him there that day, after his life had ebbed away. Poor baby - all alone, and all I can hope is that it was quick and that he didn't linger there.
I know that I am not the only woman (or person) who has gone through this, or who will go through this. It is just so personal to each of us, and some days are tougher to get through than others. I bought a grief journal last week, and it arrived a day or two ago. I hope that, while writing in it, I can make progress in my sorrowful journey. I want to laugh again, find joy again, have dreams again.
Bandages and Wounds
She is fortunate that she has identified (somehow) a group of widows up in her area (the Woodlands, which is about a 1-hour drive north of where I live). And I know what she means by this "same sucky club" that no one wants to join.
Like she expressed: I am sure that people look at me and hear me and think (or tell each other) that I am doing so well. NOT. It is a facade, folks. Smoke and mirrors. You should see the house and how neglected everything is. Not really dirty. But just kinda, why bother? Who else will see it? It's just me, the bills, the tv and the empty house. Every time Greg's watch beeps (on the hour, EVERY hour) and I am there to hear it, I'll make a remark to him (as though he could even hear that remark). But it's the only "person" that I have to talk with. Try going an entire day without speaking to another living person. Not so great, eh? And that's my day, if I don't go to work or shopping or some other place where folks probably think that I am way too chatty. If they only knew.
That beeping watch. Greg brought it back with him from Phoenix. It had been his dad's, and good ol' Bob, an engineer to the end, had obviously set this Timex to do that (beeping on the hour) and then descended into the hell that is Alzheimer's, leaving his watch beeping on. I complained to Greg - he, who needed the hearing aid, after damaging his hearing over years of playing live music next to amps - and told him that I could hear it when I was in the kitchen and it beeped in the bedroom. I could, I really could. Annoying. And now it is a measure of comfort to me. Strange, eh? It reminds me that another hour has passed or that a new day is starting, or that another day is drawing to a close.
Next week it will be 3 months since Greg died. I can go up those stairs now, but I always think about how I found him there that day, after his life had ebbed away. Poor baby - all alone, and all I can hope is that it was quick and that he didn't linger there.
I know that I am not the only woman (or person) who has gone through this, or who will go through this. It is just so personal to each of us, and some days are tougher to get through than others. I bought a grief journal last week, and it arrived a day or two ago. I hope that, while writing in it, I can make progress in my sorrowful journey. I want to laugh again, find joy again, have dreams again.
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