Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Six months

Another “anniversary” – and not the kind you want to note, believe me. Six months on Saturday, following Greg’s death. Six long LONG L-O-O-O-N-G months. And yet, so NOT long. Amazing that half-a-year has slipped away, somewhere in the haze and the fog. Six months of trying to find ME in that mist somewhere. I guess I have made some progress. I’m cooking and eating again. Not so much fun, all alone. Worse than when I was single, when I had hope, when I was a lot younger. When I looked forward to weekends, rather than dreading them.

When I picked up the mail on Saturday afternoon, it was primarily junk mail. Which I didn’t get around to opening until Sunday. Due to my attitude, no doubt. I mean, where’s the rush on ANYTHING nowadays? And lo and behold – advertising from the Neptune Society. Are you familiar with this organization? They provide cremation services without the necessity of using a funeral home. At least this letter was in MY name and not his. I have never been in contact with this group, so I am not sure what triggered my name going on the mailing list. Bad, BAD timing, is all I can say. Although – if I returned the requested information on the card which was included, I would be eligible for a pre-paid cremation! Woo hoo – and then I would have to declare the “value” of the prize on my income tax form as income, I am sure.

Shifting gears, trying to get into a better mood. Some good news – the woman that I car-pooled to my last W/W dinner with, found my earring in her car! It was on the rug, and although she had looked the following day, it didn’t reveal itself. Later in the week, she was unloading groceries and moved the rug and there it was. I am happy to be getting that back – it was a better quality pair of earrings and unique enough that I was kicking myself for losing it. Not REALLY expensive - I recall $30 or less, but love the style and color. Seems like you rarely lose one of those crappy little costume-jewelry kinds.

My last remaining aunt (on my dad’s side) died yesterday. She had had emphysema for years and needed oxygen for many of the last years, too. She was rushed to the hospital over the weekend and then was diagnosed with a fast-growing type of lung cancer. She refused any treatment and returned to the home that she shared with a son, daughter-in-law (who is a respiratory therapist) and their kids. They didn’t think she’d make it through Sunday night, but she finally slipped away Monday afternoon. She was married to my dad’s youngest brother, who died several years before her. So now my mom is the last living embodiment of my dad’s generation of that family. When she goes…. Well, then it will be down to me and my cousins (about 35 or so of us), as we start our own countdown. Weird, and yet it is “the circle of life”, as we all know from The Lion King. So the deaths of the last two aunts really, REALLY made me even more happy with my decision to attend the family reunion in July. I got to see and talk with both of them, not knowing that they would never be at another family reunion again. (As one cousin remarked, at the reunion held after my father’s death four years ago, they “are at the better family reunion”. And I am sure that they are – all the brothers and sisters together again, most with their spouses except my dad. Maybe they have a card game going – this family was fond of playing cards. And my gram has probably got a game of two- or four-handed solitaire going, and someone else is pouring/mixing drinks.)

I like to think of Greg like that - sitting in on sessions with his old band-mates and maybe some others that he had rubbed elbows with during his lifetime. And maybe, just maybe, checking in on me to see how I'm doing.

Some more of his clothes went to the re-sale shop (I donate, they resell, but no profits go to me). This time it was jackets and fleece tops and sweatshirts, since Houston had its first cold spell of this season and it was time to recycle that kind of clothing. In Minnesota, they don't even wear a jacket on days like this! I hope that someone is keeping warm (on a limited budget) because of this donation. I also have some flannel shirts of his to bring there.

Sorry if this was a bit "down" to post. Too much on my mind lately and I need to get out and do something FUN. Maybe this weekend will change my tempo. Church bazaar and maybe lunch or dinner with a few of the W/W gals who live in my area. We think we will skip the movie group this time.

Gotta run...


txmomx6 said...

I'm thinking of you. Today was month 11 for me.

Mary said...

Dear Jessica,

Don't you just love these anniversary dates? It's tough. It takes the full year of marking every anniversary, birthday, holiday, and death day to move farther along the healing process. In February, it will be 2 years (I'm not even saying February 1, the actual day. That's pretty good.) A little incremental change for me. I can face Thursday nights without collapsing in tears anymore.

All you can do is ride on the waves of emotion and have faith that you'll continue to float.

Here's a hug!


txmomx6 said...

You've received a blog award from me!
Stop by and see what it's about.

Copyright 2007 by Carol Scibelli said...

Hi Jessica,
Really enjoy (enjoy?) how you write so genuinely. If you're like me 6 months is so very foggy.
Now, after two and a half years I am comfortable with myself and feel part of the world.
You'll get there, too.