Me and the big C

Well, folks, this is becoming very REAL to me. I have been scheduled for a "consult" at the U of MN in the Women's Health Center. Today, a phone call informed me that this will be a 2 to 4 hour appointment. Sobering thought, all that time for who-knows-what.

I wish I had someone's hand to hold through all of this. A none-judgmental warm and caring person. I feel so alone, so lonely. I have been a major support of my late husband through all of his many health issues, and then for my (former) guy-friend through several of his health treatments and issues. And my thanks is: a major, MAJOR health crisis that I will have to go through all by myself. Yes, I have family, my sister and my mother. But it's not the kind of support who can be by my side, to give me a shoulder to cry or sob on, to help me work out my fears. But this is not to be...

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

Shine a little light...

Oh, how much more optimistic I feel today. And ONE person is responsible for this.

Yesterday (Thursday) and even Wednesday evening, I tossed out a wide net, making phone calls to several family/friends in the healthcare industry, specifically one physicians' assistant and two nurses, all based in the Twin Cities area. My statement to all, after stating my diagnosis, was to ask them if they had any contacts in the gyn/oncology practices in that region.

And the replies basically confirmed what the gyn doc up here had mentioned, in his lovely mid-dinner over-the-phone diagnosis. The best place is at the University of Minnesota, Minneapolis campus.

But... BUT the very BEST phone call came from the wife of my late hubby's cousin C. That's the cousin's initial, but the call was from his wife, initial B. What a WELCOME call. B went thru this very same thing herself 6 years ago, and I did not even know about it. The fact that she herself has the nursing background, plus that she used another large medical practice (not the U) based in the Cities, was a wonderful light in that dark tunnel that the doc's phone call had me in. Night and day, describes my feelings. To echo a cliche, someone who has walked a mile (and THEN some) in my shoes. And to be fair, she said that either the U or this alternate practice would be good choices for me to use.

So, friends and readers, my mood has turned completely around. Pooh on the diagnosis, hooray for those who have experienced this themselves and will SHARE what they went thru. I feel hopeful, not helpless. Thank you, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, B!

Write about what you know best

Well, that's the "theme" of this particular post. I am feeling very down and you, my dear readers (are there any of you out there anymore?) will get to share my journey into the dumps.

Yesterday I received a phone call from my doc giving me the diagnosis that no woman wants to hear: uterine cancer, as showed up in the tissues that were reviewed from my SECOND round of internal biopsies/D & C. He says it is stage 1, which is, I know, the "lightest" version of cancer. Please don't tell me that I am "lucky", because I do not feel lucky at this particular moment in my life.

Furthermore, my relationship which had been on and off and is finally OFF for good, was maybe not the best one. But it did involve someone that would probably have been by my side. And so I do not have a pair of arms to wrap around me, to hug me, hold me, let me cry on him. So, SO lonely, so lonesome.

I have been told that there are women who HAVE someone in their lives that will NOT do the above, and I feel sorry for them. But right now I am too busy selfishly feeling sorry for myself.

And I had just recently been wading into the world of online dating, without much success, I acknowledge. But feeling positive about the possibilities... Anyone have a guy who wants a gal in MY situation? Yes, I thought not.

I have been told to "put on a mask" and smile, so people will think what a strong woman I am. You know, I got REAL tired of that shit after sudden widowhood. Ask how many widows want to go thru life wearing that mask, just so OTHER people will feel good. What does it get YOU (in this case, ME)?

Sorry, but I think I warned you... I need to throw myself this pity party. It has not even been 24 hrs since I got that phone call. Please allow me a chance to grieve once again. I carried forward with my blog after Greg died, and IF I make it thru this, then maybe someone will benefit from my agony. Or else I will have to leave someone my blog password and ask them to post the final update...

On the positive side: my mammogram was good, and my cardiologist gave me a 2-yr return visit date. So above the waist, good. Below, not so good.

Some people tell widows, as well as those in my situation, that "God doesn't give you anymore that you can bear". Well, I am official proof that this is NOT the case. I am breaking right now... splintering, even as I type.

I feel stupid, sitting at the keyboard in tears. And I don't want to cry only in the shower, as I did following Greg's death. I want to be acknowledged, that I have a right to cry, to grieve. And I hope to come back to a positive attitude, as I do NOT want to drag myself down. Oh, and then when YOU get this diagnosis, you can tell me how perky and smiley you are. And I will KNOW that you are either on some mood-altering drugs and/or alcohol.

I have family and friends in the medical profession, and they are confirming what my doc mentioned in passing: that the best treatment in this state for my situation, is at the gyn/oncology dept. @ the U of MN in Minneapolis. I just hope that appointments are available soon. Let's go ahead and do what needs to get done.

So that's it, folks. My sad, pitiful situation. Lucky, that's me, for sure. Updates will probably follow... I am sure I will smile once again... and it will probably be a very PHONY smile. Check out my eyes - if the mouth is smiling and the eyes are not, then it's a definite paste-on smile. Not me, just a mask. And not fun.

Just a brief suggestion...

If you have EVER had self-esteem problems of any kind, you might want to read this woman's blog. She lost her husband about 6 months before Greg died, and I somehow found her blog on-line (of course, where ELSE would I have found it?). She has been very open about sharing her highs AND lows.

Anyway, even if you haven't lost a spouse, but occasionally read my blog, give her current post a try.

Thanks.

Janine's blog

Oh, so bad...

I just don't know what happened to me. Lost the "big Mo" or something like that. My apologies to any (are there any?) faithful readers.

Before I go on, let me mention something that has been requested of me. This seems like a worthy cause, so if you are in the region that this covers (appears to be the northeastern part of the U.S), please consider hosting a child or children. I never went to summer camp, but grew up in a small town and had exposure to the outdoors a-plenty. But for an inner-city child, this might be a dream come true. Please note that it appears this takes place in EARLY July, so time is of the essence. Thank you for considering this.

Fresh Air Fund

On a positive, slightly personal note... my life is, once more, back to the previous mode, only a bit better. Without trying to sound mysterious, it was a personal thing and I believe that things are going well, looking UP, and I am more optimistic. And then I will drop this subject.

Getting tired of the cooler/colder weather that keeps rearing its ugly head up here in Da Nord Country. Not even reaching 60 degrees today, folks. My friends in Texas would probably like relief from the sweltering or scorching heat they are experiencing, but I doubt that they would like THIS weather.

The lupines are flowering along the dirt road from my guys' house. Mostly seem to be the purple/violet shades, with a handful of white ones. And lilacs are in bloom in the area, too. I always missed lilacs, all the time I lived in Texas. The only time I encountered lilacs during that time, was on a trip to London in May in the mid-90's. First I smelled them, then followed my nose to the source. In a public park - I think it may have been Hyde Park. Isn't that the one that has the Speaker's Corner? But then again, some years have intervened and my memory isn't all THAT trustworthy.

So, once again, apologies to any readers. I will try harder to post, honestly, I will. Hugs to all...

A worthy video!

I know that I have not posted in SO long a time, that folks may have thought they had perhaps missed my obituary. Not so...

A friend was "conversing" on Facebook yesterday, and a friend of hers recommended this video for her. I had immediate need for this subject... and so I googled the speaker and found and watched the video.

Excellent, excellent video - maybe more for women than for men, but we all could probably benefit from viewing Brene Brown's talk.

Heads up! this video is 20 minutes in length!

Brene Brown on vulnerability

My life is (once again) in turmoil. So I will probably not have time for posting much in the upcoming days. I am once again moving on... life throws me curve balls, and here I am without a glove to catch 'em...

Women NEED to read this!

Ladies -- no matter what your age is, you need to read this woman's blog. I know you may think you are too young to be widowed, but the truth is, no one is too young for that unfortunate occurrence.

Pleas, PLEASE do yourself a favor and read her blog. If nothing else, it should make you more compassionate for those who are widowed.

Read -- Through a Widow's Eyes.

That's all I am asking. I was 59 with no kids, my sister 51 with one child (age 17) still at home, and since my unfortunate event, I have been (through various blogs) introduced to others who are a LOT younger with VERY young children.

So consider this a public service announcement. I have become an advocate of widows since it happened to me. I may not be banging gongs on street corners, but in my own quiet way, I am in ALL of the corners of ALL widows (and widowers).

Thanks for reading this blog, and for (I hope) reading Through a Widow's Eyes.