No ho-ho-ho

For obvious reasons, this is not gonna be a merry Christmas for me. I am trying, though, I really am.

I had already decided that I would not, could not decorate this year. It was too much of a WE thing, something that we always did together. So… not. this. year. But last weekend, I had an urge to listen to Christmas cd’s. We have (I am guessing) about a dozen or so. And I could not find them. Could not find them – anywhere. I had assumed that they would be with the rest of the cd’s – wrong. I was all over the place in that house – both floors, all kinds of places where I thought they might be stashed. Nothing.

I reached the point where I was exhausted/frustrated from all the searching-and-not-finding. And I lost it, dissolved in tears. All I wanted was some Christmas music. Was that asking too much? Apparently. After reflection, I thought that Mr. Organized (aka Greg) had probably packed them up with the Christmas decorations that I am NOT unpacking this year. And maybe there will be a happy reuniting of me and said music another time. Maybe he just could not stand another year of hearing me caterwauling along with the music, even given the distance now separating us. He always knew how much I liked music, and even more so if I could sing along when the lyrics were familiar.

On a related holiday note: I decided that I would send out Christmas cards this year. I always like receiving them – particularly if the sender(s) have included some kind of family/personal update on the year just passed. I composed a letter and printed out several copies of same. Brought the copies home, then (next day) re-read what I had written. I cannot in good conscience send those out. Too much of a downer for folks, even if it reflects my mood (at that time). So I’ll try to write an upbeat letter, somehow. Most of the folks on the card list know what happened, and for the one or two that do not… I’ll try to be gentle.

The struggle goes on, and those who are walking in these same shoes, know just what I am experiencing. Only for me, this is the first time – this Christmastime – that I am really feeling the depths of doing this alone, when so many have family or a spouse or a significant other (how DID we ever start using that phrase, anyway?).

Hug someone you love today.